Like a virgin, judged for the very first time.

Date: 28/07/11
Author: Josh

First: A picture. 

I know, right? I'm such a tease. An Arnie reference, in a play about Bill Gates. Whodathunkit?

Now onto the blog.

Through a variety of depressing factors I was unable to get any sleep last night. You know, like that faithless song? Yeah, that's right, the one about weapons of mass destruction.

So I had an extra seven hours to think about stuff, which naturally turned to the play you might have heard about. It's called Killing Bill Gates and it's playing at the Bedford in Balham tomorrow at 9pm. Come see it. *plug over*

I began to think what a unique position we are in as a group. Slowly you'll come to learn that some members of our company have already achieved amazing success, but the rest of us (myself definitely included) are pretty much standing at a precipice. This summer, tomorrow to be exact, marks the first time our work will be publicly judged, in writing, by strangers who have no vested interest in our careers and emotional stability. I'm talking, of course, about critics. Those little rascals that are paid to share an informed opinion on your work. This will be the first time our little baby will be thrown to the wolves, and frankly, I'm scared.

I'm not scared because I don't think what we have is 'good' enough. On the contrary, I think it's a great play and every aspect deserves due credit. Instead, I'm more scared about how it will affect me. I have no real idea if a negative (or very positive) review will change my thinking on my own skill or the skill of those around me. It's not something I've ever experienced before. I can imagine it's very easy - especially for people at the start of their careers like us - to let press affect you and change your view of yourself and your practise.
Get a negative review: Lose faith in the project or yourself and go jump off a cliff.
Get a glowing review: Become a big, pig headed twonk and get pushed off a cliff.

I guess the method of coping is that you have to trust your instincts. Ricky Gervais has a wonderful quote (which I'm about to mangle) about art being Darwinistic. Either I'm right and I'll be allowed to carry on, or I'm wrong and I fall away. Any principle that leads someone to The Office is worth considering. I can only hope that everyone else involved trusts their instincts, too. If it was bad we would definitely have had some sort of drug fuelled suicide pact by now anyway, guys.

Personally, I don't do what I do to make critics love me. I have some strong views (for another post) on their place in my field, but there's no denying that they exist, and for a reason. I'm fascinated to see how they react to me and how I react to them in turn. And if we don't get reviewed? I can't work out whether that would be a good or bad thing.

There is no real 'point' to this post, I just felt it might be interesting to write down the fine line I'm treading between jumping off a cliff and being pushed. Also, I can't get no sleep.